Neverending Self Improvement

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post. Paul made roasted chicken last night and it was pretty much totally awesome. I thought I should share. I don’t care what you think about Ina Garten… I lovelovelove her.

Aaaaanyway…

Every once in awhile, I realize it’s been entirely too long since I’ve talked to a friend. Like, months and months since I’ve even sent them a quick, “Hello!” on Facebook. This can make the reconnecting very…awkward. I always hope we can just hop back on the friend-wagon without one of us bringing up how long it’s been since we talked.

Blogging is similar. I’m not sure why, but it’s been weeks since I last blogged.

Yikes.

At first, I was busy. The end of the semester was speeding quickly toward us, and I felt like anything I wrote would be frazzly and incoherent. So, I thought, “Hey, a small break over the holidays is completely understandable.”

And then it got awkward.

That small break turned into almost three weeks, and by then, the thought of writing something stressed me out. The past few days, I’ve been quietly nagging at myself to just sit down and write something…there’s no reason to make a big deal out of this.

So, instead of trying to come up with something brilliant and profound, I decided I’d just getanything typed and posted, to get rid of this stupid awkwardness between the Blog and I.

This is kind of a usual pattern with me. I feel like I need to go all-out on something, and then the second I run into a setback, I feel like I’ve ruined the whole thing. This happens with exercising and eating healthily, and it’s a terrible attitude. I’m going through that a little bit right now with our calorie counting.

Right after I write a post about our awesome success with counting calories, we have a bad week. A week with too many “splurge days” and not enough exercising that knocked my weight-loss trend off-track.

Is this a big deal? Not if I just keep going, it’s not. If I decide to say, “Screw it! What’s the point?” Then, yeah, it’s a big deal. That, however, would be sticking to a terrible habit of mine, and I refuse to do it this time.

So I’m going to keep counting calories and exercising, knowing that it’s going to take a little more effort on my part to keep my brain in the right place. Just like I’m making myself sit down and write something. It may not be the most monumental post I’ve ever written, but it’s more than nothing, and that’s sometimes all it takes to pull you out of a rut.

Any of you dealing with a holiday rut? Need to vent? This is the place, baby.

It has officially been over a month since Paul and I started counting calories.

Now, to you guys, this may not seem like too big of a deal…but for me…

It’s a big freaking deal!

I have never, NEVER, been able to stick to any kind of deliberate weight loss/fitness endeavor for more than 2 weeks. In college, I did manage to go running every day with my best friends, but that was because we had nothing better to do in the afternoons, and it was mainly just fun to be with my best friends.

I think, however, that that was the kicker. It wasn’t deliberate, it was fun…and that’s an attribute that is pretty important to have when you’re talking about exercising; if I’m having fun, it doesn’t hurt so bad.

Except for ab exercises. Those were never fun for me, Marissa. Those were never, ever fun.

ANYWAY, I’m getting slightly off-topic.

Now, I’m not going to turn this into a weight-loss blog, and I’m really not trying to brag, but I’m pretty goll-danged proud of Paul and myself.

We have lost 5 pounds…together! And has it been painful, unpleasant, or a huge stressful burden? No. In fact, I’d say that it has been a great marriage activity. Paul and I aren’t very good at sticking to things. We just aren’t. We get easily distracted. We started doing theCouch to 5K plan this spring, and then we moved into a new apartment. And that went down the proverbial crapper. But this? Counting calories has been (are you sitting down?) not bad at all. The other miracle is that I’ve managed to exercise at least 3 times a week…every week. Miracle, I tell you.

There is, however, a secret weapon involved. www.livestrong.com I’m telling you, I don’t know if we would have stuck to this if it weren’t for this website. My friend, Jessica, turned me on to this site, and I don’t think I’ve told her this yet, but she looks F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. (Obviously, simply visiting this page will not make you magically shed off pounds like little weight-loss fairies came and melted them off of you with a sexifying blow-torch; you’ve got to put in a little work.) This page allows you to enter your height, weight, etc… and calculates your caloric needs. You enter your goals and progress, and it even gives you fun little ‘badges’ along the way…as a reformed Zynga game junky, this is un-surprisingly motivating. The cool thing is, however, that as you enter your exercise, it changes your calorie needs throughout the day. “You ran 19 miles?” Says Livestrong.com, “Well, for cripes’ sake, make sure you get enough calories so that you don’t pass out halfway through the day.”

What’s totally, crazy awesome about this site is its enormous food database. You type in, let’s say, “Edy’s slow churned mint chocolate chip” and it brings up about 13 different kinds of Edy’s ice cream…and if I can’t find the exact kind, I can find one with the same amount of calories. Then it does ALL OF THE CALUCLATING FOR YOU.

(Notice here that I am eating ice cream. Obviously, I’m not eating 5 bowls of it…I’m having a serving. Why? Because it’s yummy and sometimes I need a little ice cream. Does it derail my endeavors? Nope. Because I’m not eating like an idiot. I’m being aware…and that’s what it’s all about.)

Anyway, I’m going to wrap it up for today, because this is getting long…but I’m not done. I’m fairly excited about this whole situation, so bear with me on the calorie posts…This isn’t going to turn into a diet/fitness blog, though, I promise.

Also, I had a friend mention last time that, because of a history of eating disorder problems, she can’t count calories…it makes her feel a little neurotic. That’s a good point. While calorie counting has been a really good experience for us, it doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone. Please remember, that I am BY NO MEANS a weight-loss expert, and if counting calories isn’t for you, for goodness sakes, don’t do it!

I just haven’t had much experience in my lifetime with doing a happy dance nearly every time I step off the scale, so I wanted to share my excitement with my friends. (That’s you guys, by the way. Hi, friends. 🙂 )

Thanks for reading! Now go! Go forth and be productive! Finish your coffee and create spectacular things!

Growth.

That’s why I started this blog in the first place. After about 6 months of new motherhood, I felt like I was in a rut…like I was losing my previous place in the world, and that I needed to find a new one. Blogging opened up a new channel in which I could express myself, as well as preserve a piece of that former Lauren before she drifted off into obscurity.

As I say that, I realize it sounds like I regret my current place in life; I don’t. I think that every person who decides to open a new chapter in their life feels a sense of quiet mourning for the version of themselves that is getting left behind. For me, getting married (and even more so, having a baby) was absolutely a new chapter. I was faced with the experience of having to say goodbye to the Lauren I had cultivated in college…which is when I really feel I came into my own. Being around people who liked the same things, didn’t care what kind of clothing I was able to afford, and were accepting of whatever I wanted to be allowed me to grow into the confident person I was destined to become. I had finally reached a point where I was comfortable with almost everything.

And then came Paul.

The second I saw him walk into that room, I felt something happening. I didn’t know what, exactly, but things were changing. I was feeling a pull toward somebody like I’d never felt before, and it was fairly obvious that my universe was about to get knocked out of its routine orbits.

And, soon after that, I was saying another goodbye to a version of myself.

The thing about “goodbye” is that it almost always leads to a new “hello.” And that hello is usually a good one…whether you realize it at the time or not. I knew that saying hello to a married life was going to be a good thing…I just didn’t know how good.

What all of this boils down to is that I’m feeling a hello/goodbye coming soon to my blog. I’ve been feeling stagnant. A quiet, nagging feeling of discontent has lately been getting louder…I’ll catch myself wishing I were more like other bloggers…wishing I could do it better.

This tells me it’s time for a reevaluation. Over the next couple of months, I’m giving myself a new purpose…which I think is the key I’ve been missing. I’ve been floating by, trying to keep my head above water, without giving myself much by way of creative goals. This blog needs some active attention, and I’m going to do some soul-searching and revamping. Who knows, you may not even notice the changes…but I will, and that’s what counts.

I’ve been feeling the itch to return to some of the creative things I used to love… I mentioned awhile back that I wanted to start writing a novel. My brain’s started on it, but my fingers haven’t gathered up the courage yet to start typing. Those fingers have, however, started drawing again. I used to be pretty good at it…back in junior high. So, a couple days ago, after about an hour and a half of sketching and erasing, I had cranked out something small but decent, and I’ve decided to call it a success.

My request of you guys is this; please bear with me. I might not be so frequent in posting, but hopefully it will be because I’m busily working on a project that will help me get on schedule in the long run. Also, if you’ve got comments, complaints, requests…please let me know.

Both the current and future versions of me would greatly benefit from them.

That’s a picture of me in college…pretending to be Pocahontas…looking super skinny. Which reminds me…

The Bonks are counting calories.

A few things always come up when you talk about counting calories. First, you hear, “Oh, come on! You’re not fat!” And then you see the Look. The look that says, “Okay, there, Lauren. Counting calories? Don’t you think you’re being a little neurotic about things? Are you okay?”

So let me just knock those right out of here.
First of all, no, we’re not fat. Are we getting a little squishy? Maybe. What I do know is that I’ve been suffering from a serious lack of energy and motivation for months (or 26 years) now, and a large chunk of that is due to the way I eat. I get stressed out because I can’t get everything done, and would much rather sit on the couch and watch Doctor Who all day. Now, I realize that this is a normal feeling…but I’m pretty sure it’s amplified by my crappy eating and lack of exercise.

Secondly, yeah, okay, so counting calories is a little neurotic in the first stages. After doing it for a while, however, it becomes less of a task and more of a general practice. The point is not to track everything to the millionth of a calorie…the point is awareness. It’s just like budgeting; as soon as you start to keep track of what you spend/eat, you automatically start to do less of it…without a lot of pain or effort. Paul and I need a lot of structure to keep ourselves motivated…and paying close attention to our calorie intake is going to be necessary at first if we’re going to stick to it.

As far as the “Are you okay?” portion of the Look… Yes. I’m okay. I’m not obsessed about my weight. It’s not a constant burden on my shoulders. You know what’s a constant burden on my shoulders? Having enough energy to properly and attentively raise a child.

This will be good for us, and ultimately good for Charlie.

The truth is, in all my years of being aware of my weight, the only thing (other than the getting-pregnant-and-exclusively-breastfeeding diet…but that’s not something Paul can do with me…) that has ever actually caused me to lose pounds and get healthy is calorie counting coupled with exercise.

That’s all there is to it.

So, wish us luck. Having Paul doing this with me will be great. We’re pretty good at motivating each other when we’re doing the same thing.

Do you guys have any awesome calorie counting resources or advice for us? Anything you’ve got would be appreciated!

I’m going to tell you a story. A good deal of my friends have already heard this, maybe more than once. The thing is, I need to just get over it. It happened years ago, and whenever someone mentions this place, I immediately get bitter. So I’m going to tell this story and hope that sending it off into the universe will rid it from my bitter, snarky soul.

The thing is, I’m mainly bitter about it because I’m mad at myself. I should have said something, and I didn’t. I was a pansy, and that makes me mad. So, I’m going to tell you guys what has gone through my head a bajillion times while doing my makeup. (You know those conversations…the ones you have with yourself while brushing your teeth or putting on mascara…what you would have said had you had your brain in the right place…) I’m not out to slander anyone, so I’m not going to mention any names or give any details…and if you know what I’m talking about, please don’t put it in the comments. I just want to put this out there and get rid of it.

One morning, years ago, I was on my way to my Arthurian Literature class. I loved this class. LOVED IT. The problem is, I was sleepy…super sleepy…and I did not want to make a fool of myself and fall asleep. I decided to stop by a coffee shop and grab my fave-o froofie drink, a Caramel Macchiato. Little did I know, the words “Caramel Macchiato” were very naughty words…right up there with the F-Bomb and “Scarlett Johansson.”
I stroll in, get out my cash, and ask the guy at the register if I can have a Caramel Macchiato. He looks at me, then looks at the woman making coffee next to him, and says this:

“Minion, (I don’t know what her name was, but I think “Minion” is appropriate) this young lady here says she would like a Caramel Macchiato, but what she really wants is a vanilla latte with caramel flavoring, because Starbucks has obviously brainwashed her into thinking that it’s called a Caramel Macchiato. And it’s not.”

There are very few moments in my life that I can remember being that stunned by the words that came out of someone’s mouth.

Here I am, cash in hand, ready to give this person money, my mouth hanging open in embarrassment and astonishment. And what do I do? I pay for the coffee, leave, and drink it.

What a pansy.

So, universe, this is what I wish I would have said:

“I’m sorry, I guess I thought I came here to give you my money in return for a cup of coffee and a little customer service…I didn’t realize I’d be getting arrogance and douchebaggery, too. Keep the coffee; I’ll sleep through class.”

MAN, I would have felt good after that. I know that Tom Hanks tells Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail that she’d feel terrible if she said the exact thing she wanted to say at the exact moment she wanted to say it…but I’m pretty sure I would have felt just fine had I been able to think quickly enough that day.

But I didn’t.

And it’s not Sir Jerkface’s fault that I couldn’t buck up. So, it’s time to give that poor dead horse a rest and get over it. To be honest, I think I enjoyed telling the story to people more than I was upset about the actual incident, and that’s lame.

So, there you go, Universe. Take that and do some good with it.

What about you guys? I know I’m not the only one having regret-filled mirror-conversations with myself. Do you need to get rid of something? The comments section looks like the perfect place to do it…

It’s been a crazy year. We’ve moved twice…I started this blog and my business…Charlie is growing like crazy…Paul got accepted to grad school…and those are just a few of the big things making our lives hectic and awesome. In that time, I’d like to think I’ve done a lot of growing and learning…but…

I’m very ashamed of something.

I’ve forgotten about some of my oldest friends. Friends that were there for me before I ever had a boyfriend, or started worrying about how I looked. Friends who always knew how to comfort me when I’d had a bad day, and were capable of making me lose all track of time by simply being with them.

These friends are rarely pushy, and seem to know exactly what I need. Sometimes they can be pretty serious downers…but they also have the abilities to lift my spirits out of the proverbial crapper.

More importantly, however, they always have a story to tell, and their pages smell like past and warmth.

I’m embarrassed to say that, until last week, I hadn’t read a single book since early August…and before that, I hadn’t read one since April. This is embarrassing for many reasons…one of the most obvious is the header at the top of this blog.

Last week, I read this blog post. And it made me feel pretty lame. I stopped for a second and realized how much of my time I wasted on Facebook and Twitter…and felt pretty crappy about it.

Then I logged out.

I’m not going to play the “I am sooooo much cooler than all you FB sheep, and I’m deleting my account” jazz…because I use Facebook to communicate with a lot of people, and that would just be kidding myself. I’d reactivate my account within the week. I am, however, not letting my social media sit there, logged in, screaming, “Hey! Lauren! Someone liked what you said on that one person’s status! Please drop everything and come look at it!” So, like I said, I logged out…and can you believe what happened?

By golly, I read a book. A whole book. A delicious morsel of Chick-Lit that had me turning pages and forgetting to blog. And I feel better about life in general. Sitting on the internet, overloading myself with current information, tips, and opinions was filling my head with a lot of negativity and too much (gasp, too much!?) snark.

So, to my book-friends, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be better. I promise I’ll read you when Charlie and I are having cartoon-snuggle time. I promise I’ll replace some blog-reading with book-time. I’ll make as many promises as you want…will you take me back?

Who am I kidding? Of course you will.