I’m going to tell you a story. A good deal of my friends have already heard this, maybe more than once. The thing is, I need to just get over it. It happened years ago, and whenever someone mentions this place, I immediately get bitter. So I’m going to tell this story and hope that sending it off into the universe will rid it from my bitter, snarky soul.

The thing is, I’m mainly bitter about it because I’m mad at myself. I should have said something, and I didn’t. I was a pansy, and that makes me mad. So, I’m going to tell you guys what has gone through my head a bajillion times while doing my makeup. (You know those conversations…the ones you have with yourself while brushing your teeth or putting on mascara…what you would have said had you had your brain in the right place…) I’m not out to slander anyone, so I’m not going to mention any names or give any details…and if you know what I’m talking about, please don’t put it in the comments. I just want to put this out there and get rid of it.

One morning, years ago, I was on my way to my Arthurian Literature class. I loved this class. LOVED IT. The problem is, I was sleepy…super sleepy…and I did not want to make a fool of myself and fall asleep. I decided to stop by a coffee shop and grab my fave-o froofie drink, a Caramel Macchiato. Little did I know, the words “Caramel Macchiato” were very naughty words…right up there with the F-Bomb and “Scarlett Johansson.”
I stroll in, get out my cash, and ask the guy at the register if I can have a Caramel Macchiato. He looks at me, then looks at the woman making coffee next to him, and says this:

“Minion, (I don’t know what her name was, but I think “Minion” is appropriate) this young lady here says she would like a Caramel Macchiato, but what she really wants is a vanilla latte with caramel flavoring, because Starbucks has obviously brainwashed her into thinking that it’s called a Caramel Macchiato. And it’s not.”

There are very few moments in my life that I can remember being that stunned by the words that came out of someone’s mouth.

Here I am, cash in hand, ready to give this person money, my mouth hanging open in embarrassment and astonishment. And what do I do? I pay for the coffee, leave, and drink it.

What a pansy.

So, universe, this is what I wish I would have said:

“I’m sorry, I guess I thought I came here to give you my money in return for a cup of coffee and a little customer service…I didn’t realize I’d be getting arrogance and douchebaggery, too. Keep the coffee; I’ll sleep through class.”

MAN, I would have felt good after that. I know that Tom Hanks tells Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail that she’d feel terrible if she said the exact thing she wanted to say at the exact moment she wanted to say it…but I’m pretty sure I would have felt just fine had I been able to think quickly enough that day.

But I didn’t.

And it’s not Sir Jerkface’s fault that I couldn’t buck up. So, it’s time to give that poor dead horse a rest and get over it. To be honest, I think I enjoyed telling the story to people more than I was upset about the actual incident, and that’s lame.

So, there you go, Universe. Take that and do some good with it.

What about you guys? I know I’m not the only one having regret-filled mirror-conversations with myself. Do you need to get rid of something? The comments section looks like the perfect place to do it…